Rise

We all must rise. We are born needing all the care and nurture our parents can provide. Then we start our gradual rise, first to the toddler stage, then childhood, then adolescence, and then finally, adulthood. Some of us then rise further to parenthood.  We are continually having to go one step further, one step higher. If we didn’t, then what would life be all about ?

As we travel this journey, we encounter joy, we encounter obstacles, but for the most part, we keep going.

We also encounter others on their journeys. No persons journey is the same as an other persons, although we may travel on the same pathway for a time. When we are born, we share our journey with our families, and their friends, until we start to make our own friends, and join their journeys as well. We leave other persons journeys, whether by choice, or happenings beyond our, and their, control. We lose people along the way, we learn how to deal with that.

Here’s a thing. You have now become a part of my journey, and me a part of yours. Quite a profound thing to realise, isn’t it ? By the very act of you reading this, it has happened. A minute ago, our journeys are not likely to have previously met, now they have. I hope my encounter with your journey is as beneficial to you as it is to me.

Now talking about rising. We all know bread does it, that we do it every morning we wake up. But there is also rising from the ashes, as in a Phoenix, and being reborn. No, this isn’t some religious thing, in fact, in all fairness, and laying it on the table, I am not religious at all. What I am referring to, is how we can be totally and utterly destroyed by a life experience, or by a person, where we forget who we are, and there comes a time of healing, and then it happens, you are reborn, you re-establish yourself, your identity. Personally, it has been a hell of a journey up to this point for me.

Since I left my abuser 4 years ago, I have gone through several rebirths, rising from the ashes. I might be looking a little shabby at this point, but it will happen again. Each time I am reborn, I keep my immaculate plumage a bit longer before it looks a bit tattered again.

The first time, immediately after I walked away realising I deserved better than constantly living in fear, it was small things, it even sort of felt like rebelling. I watched TV shows and movies I wasn’t allowed to, I listened to music I had wanted to but was stopped from enjoying. I’d even realised that my abuser had destroyed me to the point that ALL of my clothes were black, brown and grey. So, I got clothes that had colour. Trust me, as a male, that is actually quite a task if you want a colour beyond blue or green !!! But here I was, I had risen from the ashes, reborn.

There does though, when you have gone through a traumatic experience, come a time where things will fall off the rails. You might all of the sudden start reliving the experience in dreams. You might get crushed by the enormity of the situation you are now in. You might even just get a feeling like ” how the hell am I still here after all that !! ” I guess for me, it was the enormity of the situation I was now in that hit me.

So here I was, with a two and a half year old boy, needing all that a two year old needs, and on my own. Self doubt crept in, I mean, how many single dads, doing it completely on their own do you know ? I had mixed experiences in society, ranging from “well done, doing it on your own, that’s a big thing for a dad”, to the looks from parents and other adults like you are a paedophile when you take your young child to the toilet when out. You also tend to get those sort of looks when you take your young child to the park. I still find it amazing that when you look at all the adult faces in a park, you very rarely see a dad. Is this because dads just don’t give a shit about their offspring ?

I actually have to say, I am very surprised, now my son is at school, to see how little input fathers actually have in their children’s lives. Yes, I am being critical of fathers, and who best, than another father, to wake some of them up ? Why is it that fathers choose not to involve themselves in their children’s lives ? I can understand it. I mean, when I drop my son off at school in the morning, I hang about until he is in class, and before the first bell, I find myself a bit of a Pied Piper. The kids love playing catch with me and my son in the morning before school starts. It feels like they are craving attention from a father figure, and because they don’t get it from their own, I am a substitute, if only for 10 or 15 minutes on a weekday morning. After having met quite a few of the fathers now on odd occasions, the blokes just don’t give a monkeys bum about their kids, it’s painfully obvious. It’s so sad. They’d rather spend their free time getting blind drunk with their mates, than spend more than 5 minutes with their kids. I just don’t get it. I could never be like that with my son, even if I was still with his mother.

Anyhow, before I wander off to get my son into the shower and off to bed so he is bright and sparky for school tomorrow, I just want to say, thank you for sharing a little bit of your journey with mine. I hope we can travel together on our journeys some more in the future, but for now, I bid you farewell, and see you next time.

 

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