I am sitting here feeling lost. I am on the verge of doing a full retreat from the world. I can’t cope with negativity and ignorance anymore. I am sick of saying “yeah, good” when someone asks me how I am going when I am not, because they don’t actually want me to say “shit actually, my body is in constant pain, I am sick to death with feeling tired all the time even though I sleep well, and I am actually scared shitless with the idea of even interacting with you”. I try so hard to keep myself positive, that I even convince myself everything is fine when it’s not.
I put up the white flag. “I surrender, stop attacking me now”.
I’m sick of staying strong, when I am collapsing inside. In all honesty, I think I need to just curl up in a ball on the floor and cry for a day or two. As much as I know that at least my family love and care about me, I feel totally unloved. I feel taken for granted. Nothing anyone says can make me feel any different right now. It’s not even worth them trying, because it will probably just make me angry.
It’s hard being me right now. No, I am not about to do something stupid to myself, in fact, I think that is one of the most selfish acts a person can do. I know others disagree, but ending it because you are feeling so shit and somehow think you feeling shit is making others suffer, so by ending it so they don’t suffer is just so stupid. I’m not sure if that’s all coming out right, but you get my drift.
I haven’t felt this empty, ever, I think. I don’t know if I feel angry, I don’t know if I feel sad, I am just a bit messed up. At my last psychologists visit, my psychologist said to me that I needed to make me, inside, feel safe again. It has been a few weeks since I last saw her, and I see her next week, but I can say for sure, if I am meant to be making myself feel safe again, then the only way I can do that is limiting my contact with the outside world. I thought I was doing the right thing confronting the social anxiety I have become aware of over the past couple of years, venturing out and getting involved in a few things, but in all honesty, it’s just made it worse.
I have seen the original of this painting. It’s by an Australian artist called Helen Norton. It’s called “Worthless”. This is my favourite painting of hers. It pretty much sums it up right now.