Caring

Yesterday I got a call from both my Aunt and Mother. It was nice to chat about how I was, even though in a verbal sense I actually hate talking about how I am. I told you I knew my family loved and cared about me.

I always, when writing about sensitive stuff, ponder whether to write it or not, especially when certain things may be upsetting for those that really love me. But then I realise that even though it may be upsetting, it needs to be said. I don’t set out to hurt people when I tell my story, it’s about being truthful with myself to start with, and if something is on my mind, if I bottle it up, it just ferments and makes a whole heap of stuff worse. So I have to get it out, and writing is they way I am most comfortable with.

One of these things that cropped up recently, was an episode of abuse I was the victim of from my former partner. Short story, she woke me up one morning with a hot iron to the side of my torso. It was because of a visit to my psychologist that it came up. I had totally put that incident to the back of my mind, but after a particularly difficult visit to the psychologist, I came home and had a shower, as I felt “dirty”, and when I got out of the shower and was drying myself, I saw the scar. It hasn’t gone away, but I never really look at myself in the mirror, so it had been a long time since I had seen the scar. Well, then the memory of the whole thing came flooding back. I wrote about it. I couldn’t let it sit in my head to fester now it was back in my mind. Needless to say, as I had never told ANYONE about it before, my mother was quite upset by it. And rightly so.

Now, I write what I write about my experiences for 2 main reasons, firstly it is part of my therapy, I hate writing journals, so doing the blog is for me. And secondly, I know how helpful it is reading other peoples experiences who are going through the various things I have and am going through, because it makes you feel less alone. When you read someones story, and it is exactly like what you are going through, it is in some ways a relief, not that someone has had to go through the same shit, but to know you aren’t the only one going through the shit.

Anyhow, this will be short and sweet, as I am off to my doctor soon, will be interesting to see, now I have the new confirmed diagnosis, where we will go from here.

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