As you can probably guess from my last post, I am not coping very well right now. I guess some of it is my own fault. I have made the mistake of trying to stay strong for too long, well past the time I should have stopped and let myself be weak. I have also been guilty of living in denial as to really how bad things are now with my health.
Now, don’t get me wrong, from a nutrition and general health viewpoint, I have been doing well this year, I haven’t been picking up a cold or flu every 2 weeks like last year. But the scale of the issues relating to my freshly diagnosed Fibromyalgia is hitting home. For at least the past 12 months, my bad days have been outnumbering my good days at an increasing rate. 12 months ago, I would have about a 50/50 mix, 3 good days, 3 bad days, so on and so forth. Well, my good days in a fibromyalgia sense are becoming few and far between.
Tasks that may take a person a day to sort out, now take a week or 2. One of my previous jobs was as a car detailer, and at my peak, I would fully detail up to 6 cars on my own a day, that is, wash, cut and polish, shampoo carpets and seats and clean all interior surfaces, clean the engine bay, and blacken the underbody of each vehicle. Now, it takes me a week to do my own very small car to the same standard. ( That’s if I am able to do it at all, in reality, I started detailing my car 3 months ago, and it’s still not done. )
Then there is the whole vicious circle of one condition affecting another, and so on and so forth. The more useless I feel because my ability to do what I want and need to do is lessening, the worse my manic depression is. Then I stress about it all, and make everything worse.
I have come to the realisation that I need to have some outside assistance to help me manage the stuff I am finding increasingly more difficult to do myself. I like being independent, mowing my own lawn and maintaining my garden, doing the housework and keeping my home tidy. I like making sure we eat well and have clean clothes on our backs. But the reality is, I can’t do all of it now. This is a big wake up call to me. I really hate that it has come to this point, oh heck, who am I fooling, it was at this point months ago, but stubborn me has just kept going, grinding myself down more and more. See, this is it. I have reached the point that I have tried for too long to keep going when my body and mind has told me to take a breather.
It’s an incredibly hard thing to admit to yourself, let alone anyone else, that you need help. I am getting the help I need from a medical standpoint now, but I just need to realise that from a physical, day to day living standpoint, I need help with that now too.