I am worn out.

As I previously wrote, due to a major health scare for my Dad, I have, for the past 4 weeks, been taking my Mum to to work, as they live about 25 kms from town and my Mum doesn’t drive. For me, I have to drive 20km to their place every morning my Mum works, pick her up, get her to work by 6am, drive the 25 km back to my place, and then, do the reverse journey at the end of her shift. It’s going to be the same again for the next 2 weeks.

With the health ailments I have, it is exhausting. Now, don’t take me wrong, just like I would do anything for my son, the same applies for my parents. I am not complaining about doing this. The reason I am bringing this up again is that I want to show you something.

I have never given up the will to work. It is still there. I am getting up every morning, at 4am to do this. And trust me, driving down narrow rural roads in the dark, with potholes and wildlife in abundance, it is hard work. But the point is, it is destroying me physically.

My illnesses make it so. So even though inside I want to do these things, I can’t sustain it for lengthy periods without running into major issues. I guess I am writing this because today has been a particularly bad day.  When I woke this morning, I was in agony. It was a real mission to get up and out of bed due to the pain, and then once on my feet, it was like drunk walking, it was very difficult to even walk from my bed to the toilet, which is honestly less than 5 or 6 metres. Then after getting that business out of the way, I then had to get to the kitchen, get out my pills ( with uncooperative hands ), lean down to get a glass from the cupboard and fill it with water, and then send the pills and water down the hatch. It was a real ordeal. Luckily, after about 15  minutes, the Tramadol started to kick in, along with the Codiene tablets ( which I very rarely take as they gum up the works badly for me ). When I say thankfully, it lessened the pain to the extent that I could operate, but I was still in an enormous amount of pain, and still am. So even though I would like to work, it is impossible. Just making sure the things in daily life that need doing get done is a great difficulty.

I have had ever increasing pain for the past 4 or 5 days. It has been difficult even walking, as the pain in my right hip and right lower back was becoming more and more intense. When I went to bed last night, I knew I was either going to wake up feeling much better or a lot worse. I knew I wasn’t going to be the same as when I went to bed, and unfortunately, I was much, much worse. But the funny thing is, it wasn’t quite what I suspected. My right hip and lower back is now pain free. It has moved to my left side !!!!!!

That isn’t the only pain though, the area around where my vertebra was crushed is massively painful, and which is the main reason why walking has been a difficulty. It is in the area of the back where you put the most pressure on to keep your balance, so it goes without saying that that is quite a significant issue. When my previous doctor first discovered my injury, by which time the vertebra had fused back together again, he said he was amazed I could still walk, especially due to the pain. It’s a pity the doctor who I saw when I first got injured never took an x-ray, and it took 5 years for a doctor to finally listen to me when I said something was seriously wrong and could they just x-ray it.

The other side effect of the pain is that it then sends other things out of whack. The pain from the injury feeds the symptoms of the Fibromyalgia, which then makes that worse and causes more pain, plus the crushing fatigue, and that all combined starts making things even more difficult with dealing with the Manic Depression. I must say that I have found that I have had to take that optional extra dosage of one of my pills for a few days, just to keep my shit together.  It’s not fun.

So there you have it, what a typical couple of days can be for me. I honestly, especially with the Fibromyalgia, have many more bad days than good. This past few days has been worse than most of those bad days.

Now when you look at the reality of it all, yes, I may want to work, but it is not possible when most days are a chore to even get through the necessities of daily life, and when you throw extra’s into it, it goes completely pear shaped.

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