A Hole

There’s a hole in my life. I try and fill it. I try and fill it with other things, things that don’t fit the hole.  I try and ignore it, but it is still there, every now and then it gets a little bigger, dragging at me.

It’s a hole that isn’t easily filled. It has to be filled by exactly the right thing. Some people can live without it quite happily, saying they are quite happy in their own skin. I believe them, but for me, I don’t know why, it something that I have done without for such a long time, but the yearning for it remains. I am not saying I am unhappy, there is much joy in my life, even with all that life has thrown at me and forced me to live with.

I don’t know why this hole keeps nagging me. Sometimes it’s a thing said. Maybe it’s a movie sets it off. ( Rom-coms are the worst ). Other times, it’s just the silence that brings it back.

It’s been years since I have felt it from someone other than family.

Being nearly 40, you begin to think, is it all over. Surely it’s not.

It’s not about one thing. It’s about engaging conversation. It’s about enjoying the presence. It’s about having a laugh, sharing, enjoying something together.

It gets so tough being a parent doing it all on your own. The presence of another adult is quite often a rare thing.

Yes, I am lonely. Very lonely. It’s not a void that can be filled by family, as much as you know your family loves and cares for you.

Tonight, watching a movie with my son, it got me bad. I tried to hide the tears, but it was in vain. I have a rule that me and my son are honest with each other, so I told him why. He is a little gem, he started giving me advice, what I need to do, a 6 year old !! I can almost see, when he is older, doing what the little boy on Sleepless in Seattle did for his dad !!

I hope to fill the hole someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, but right now, it’s hard to see if there is a Miss Right for me.

 

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