Crushed.

When do you break? How much can you take? Does it end? I am honestly sick and tired ( the latter literally) of being in this constant pain. Obviously I am not able to sleep right now, otherwise I would be and wouldn’t be writing this. I have taken my quota of pain relief for the day, the Tramadol and the Panadeine Forte, and even with a hot shower thrown into the mix, I am still unable to lie down, get comfortable, and go to sleep. I’ve done a tonne of stretching, to see if that helps. It didn’t.

Today I also really rugged up. I mean, 4 layers on top, 3 on the bottom, scarf, beanie, the only thing not included was gloves. The only consolation was that the arthritis in my neck hasn’t been as bad, probably because of the scarf.

I’ve also felt like a pig today. I’ve eaten too much. I had breakfast at 7.30am. A coffee and a handful of biscuits at 9am. 11am, I had lunch, as I was famished. Then 2 more Promite sandwiches between then and school pick up time. More coffee and a piece of chocolate just after school pick up time, another Promite sandwich, then dinner at 5.30pm. I have made myself stop, until an apple about half an hour ago. Most days, I have 2 slices of toast and coffee for breakfast, another coffee and 2 biscuits around 10.30am, a sandwich for lunch with another coffee, then a coffee after school pick up, and then dinner. So I ate a tonne more than usual today.

The only thing I have really done today is bum around on the internet, watch Michael Moore’s “Where to invade next?” and managed to get a fair bit of the 2 day old washing dry and off the line. Didn’t achieve much else, wasn’t capable. I did manage to push on through without having to have a sleep this afternoon, but I think that was more from the pain stopping me anyhow.

It’s a weird sensation, wanting to go to sleep, needing to rest your body, but even the act of lying down to try and rest or sleep is painful. So, like me today, you don’t sleep, you continually move around trying to get comfortable somehow with no success, and you feel the fatigue in every ounce of your being expand exponentially by the hour.

Even with all that, I still don’t feel like I am having any real issues with my Manic Depression, it’s actually surreal. I’d expect with feeling so shit physically for now what has become an extended period, that it would be coming up to bite me now, but it isn’t. One of the side effects of the medication I take for the Manic Depression is that I don’t seem to cry as easily, so I may have all the sad feelings at a bad story, or a sad movie, and come to the brink, but it doesn’t easily happen. Well, I am crying tonight. I am not depressed in the manic Depression sense, that is different, those who suffer from it know what I mean. This is just a fed up sadness, the, “OK, I give up, you win” type of sadness. The manic depression sadness is more like ” everything is shit, nothing is right, I am totally unhappy and nothing will change it, ever”. These tears are the physical pain tears. Like when you cry when you stack your bike, or fall over and really hurt yourself.

So yeah, here I am. Bored shitless. Totally unable to sleep. In pain. Bloody lovely.

Today, I was out front of my place checking the mail, when my neighbour also came out checking the same. Neither of us had mail, we had the joke of ” well at least that means there’s no bills today”, and chatted a little, both of us were limping around half hunched over, both of us clearly not coping with the day. He has a few ongoing injuries from years of working as a truck driver and manual work, so the cold has knocked him up badly as it has me. We seem to find ourselves comparing notes as to what hurts today, and in a funny way, I guess it helps keep us both sane, knowing that we are not going through this crap on our own.

Not feeling like you’re alone is one reason I write this blog. Through writing my experiences, others going through the same shit can feel they are not alone, and I also get to connect with others who have similar problems, and they in turn help me feel like I am not alone by writing about their trials and tribulations.

So hopefully the lotto ticket I got today, playing the same numbers I played last week, will get me the $30 million tomorrow night. I will move to a warmer place, set up my parents, brother, my son and a close aunt for the rest of their lives, and make sure my dream home has a really good hot tub with a view, so I can ease the pain that wracks my broken body. I might even get a live in housekeeper to take the pressure off all that stuff too !! We can only dream, I guess.

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