You just don’t know how good it feels to be tired. I mean, I am really tired. After going through the withdrawal symptoms of the past few days, today has been great. Yes, I have been a little shaky still, but the shaky you get when you’ve put yourself through a physical ordeal and made it out the other side. Yet, my ordeal was both physical and mental.
I found myself, in the worst part of yesterday reverting back to my usual self when going through anything bad. I put on my face, pretending to everyone else that everything was fine. Yes, I adjusted my plans yesterday, giving my apologies for a meeting I normally attend, and thankfully the person I needed to talk to is in on the fact I have the issues I have, so I explained to them what was going on. So apart from her, my son, and all of you, nobody else had the faintest idea about the turmoil I was in yesterday. So basically, anyone I was face to face with yesterday, apart from my son, had no idea.
It is something I developed over a long time, dying inside and yet appearing to be the happiest person on the planet. Self preservation, but really, is it?
This blog, and my previous one, are the best thing I ever did to help myself. I am honest here about what is going on. I am not hiding it. I am not continually internalising it, making myself feel all alone in my suffering. I know I am not, as I have read the blogs of others who suffer the same ailments I have, maybe they don’t have all of the ones I have all together, but the suffer some of the same things. It really helps to know you aren’t the only one going through this shit. It is easy to think you are though.
So during my pretty much sleepless 52 hours, I was pretty much completely manic, but not in the typical happy way. That explains the sleeplessness. Usually when I am manic, I get lots of ideas, and usually can make sense of them, the ideas flood in, but I can grab them and understand them. This was manic, but with the million mile an hour thoughts of a depressive episode, where you can’t focus in on any one of them at all. So the confusion and unhappiness of the depression mixed with mania. Quite a weird place to be.
Today, that is gone. Another thing I have noticed is that I am less moody, and able to cope with irritations better today. I think the Quetiapine was actually making me shitty. I wasn’t unhappy, but easily irritated. Now I am on the other side of the withdrawal hump, I can see that I REALLY needed to get off that shit. Also, have you noticed how they bang on about Opioid painkillers being addictive and how it can do this and that to you, well they don’t seem to be worried about the addictive qualities and damage anti psychotic drugs do to people the same way. I mean, it has to be an addictive drug if you go through so much hell getting off them, doesn’t it? I ended up with high blood pressure, morbid obesity, what ever other health issues that will lead to, and what appears to have been a mild stroke, all because of the anti psychotic drug quetiapine. How bad is an Opioid compared? I mean, it gets rid of pain, yes it can cause liver damage if abused, but not much else. Seems very irrational to say one that really isn’t that bad is bad, and not have any qualms about one that is actually doing a lot of damage.
I hope I don’t need that one again, I probably will, but I will avoid it as long as I can. Anyhow, onward and upward, I am feeling better, I am still on my mission to get to a healthy weight, and things will get even better, I hope.