I need matches

I am so tired. I need something to keep my eyes open. If I can keep my eyes open I might be able to complete the tasks of the day. All I really need to do is stay up for 2 more hours, so I can get dinner ready, eat, get Mr 7 ready for bed, and then go off to bed myself. I can’t expect Mr 7 to go to bed right now, it’s only just 5pm. If it was just me, I would have gone to bed for the night an hour ago. I’m the right life of the party, aren’t I ?

I knew a day like yesterday would do me in. I mean, 2 hours driving, walk around the shops for an hour, and then laze around watching movies waiting for someone else to cook dinner was too much. This is how fucking crazy Fibromyalgia is. The only thing more crazy is people who just don’t understand it. Actually, that might just make me crazy, because I can’t understand it !!!

I have been living with this for quite some time now, I mean, I have only been diagnosed this year, but as anyone who has gone through the process knows, it takes a while, lot’s of tests and to-ing and fro-ing to finally be diagnosed, so that may chew up another 12 months, and you’ve probably been battling it for a couple of years before that.

I used to do a lot of very physically active work, work that most people who I worked with gave up on in a few weeks, or if they lasted any longer, maybe a month. I did it for nearly 15 years. Very physically demanding. I used to also be able to drive over 1000km a day, then turn around and do it again the next day, and after that still be bouncing off the walls. Now driving 180km does me in. It is so hard to get your head around that as a sufferer, let alone be able to explain it to someone else.

It’s really easy to get sucked into this frame of mind of why. Comparing yourself now, to then. In a sense it is counterproductive. All you do is draw yourself into a feeling of inadequacy. You have to draw a line in the sand.

(Talking about drawing a line in the sand, I have 2 drafts of posts sitting in that little box on the right top corner of this page right now, reminding me that this is now post 3 in the row, and I need to finish at least one. So I need to finish this one.)

…………and this is what happens. Train of thought evaporates……………..

It may take longer to do things when you are wiped out by something like fibromyalgia, but it doesn’t mean you need to give up. You have to adapt. So what, if it takes a whole day to achieve something that used to take you an hour, who cares, at least if you achieve it, that’s what matters. I used to detail cars, doing full detailing jobs on 4 or 5 cars a day (when I say full, I mean the works, steam cleaning, polishing, everything), and now it takes me at least 2 days to do my one, very small car. And I can tell you, when I have finished doing my little car over those 2 days, I get far more satisfaction out of it than when I did 5 a day.

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